Imaging & Images

Imaging

I DO actually have a medical update, so I am just going to start off with that! Now, this isn't necessarily good news and it doesn't change anything about my diagnosis for the better, per se, but for once I had some tests done that didn't result in immediate bad news.

On Wednesday I got a call from the hospital and they said the doctor (that I am scheduled to meet with this week) needed me to come in for some additional imaging -- basically more mammograms of my left breast (which had not been previously done) and a few more of my right breast. They got me scheduled to come in the next day, so on Thursday I headed downtown to the hospital.

I'll spare you the details of the procedures, but they did about ten images on each side for the mammograms and then also ended up doing an ultrasound on my left breast. The mammograms at this hospital were way more painful than the ones I had done down in my hometown. So... OW to that. Not pleasant. But overall, the facility is really nice and I'm starting to feel better about having chosen Northwestern to receive my treatment.

So the sort of not really good news and not really bad news is that my left breast looks clear!! My cancer has obviously spread some because I do have lymph node involvement on the right side, but I have to admit I was pretty nervous that there would also be full-blown cancer in my other breast. But things look good on the left! The radiologist is recommending an MRI to fully confirm, though. That isn't a surprise because my other hospital said I would need one. However, this doesn't mean I'm "out of the woods" on needing a possible mastectomy on both sides, depending on how my genetic testing comes out. But still feeling good there's no obvious cancer right now! I'm also feeling good because since the doctor (who I haven't met yet) ordered these additional tests, it means he has reviewed my other pathology reports and my case, so he seems to be on top of things! That's reassuring.

Images

Now on to something fun! Warning: this section contains images of figure art drawings of me. They are nude. If this offends you, well, then that is silly because there are zero things that are offensive about figure art. However, if you are sensitive then just skip the rest of this post. Peppered throughout the story below will be the images. Thanks!

Artwork by Robert Apolinar
IG: robertapolinar.art

Finding out that I have breast cancer was obviously very devastating. Not only because of the fact that I have cancer and it's serious, but also because of the changes it will cause to my physical form. Now, I'm not a very vain person. I'm not super hung up on my looks or anything, but obviously I am a performer, in particular a burlesque dancer and also a figure model. A lot of what I do is based on my body. And it should obviously be noted that burlesque dancers and figure models come in ALL shapes and sizes, and all are beautiful and graceful and talented.

Artwork by Darick Maasen
IG: @darickmaasen

But throughout my career the one thing people have always commented on for me (as far as physical characteristics) are my boobs. I'm not going to lie or beat around the bush -- my boobs are huge. And what's more, they are huge and the rest of me is very tiny/thin. It's an odd combination and body type especially considering that my breasts are 100% mine and natural. In fact, I have been asked on a number of occasions by well-meaning friends and co-workers, "... are your boobs real?" They totally are. And they're great. When I was in grade school and junior high I was constantly made fun of because I was "sooo flat." I was back then, and now I'm not. And it's lovely.

I know my breasts don't make me a good performer or a good model. But they are a part of me and I'm really happy with how I look. So the thought of losing them (even with reconstructive surgery) just isn't something I like to think about right now.

Artwork by Ethan Colchamiro
IG: @ethancoal

After telling really close friends and family that I have cancer, I decided to tell the next circle level of friends all at once in an online message. And in that group of friends there were many people that I have met through art modeling, especially for the group Grotesque Burlesque. The group, otherwise known as GB, is an amazing gathering of artists who originally would meet up at one of the member's apartments to draw on a weekly basis. The models were often local burlesque performers, hence the group name. I was lucky enough to be one of those original old school models and I held (at least at one point, and maybe still do now) the record for posing the most for GB. Beyond being a model for them I have become friends with many of them over the years.

Artwork by Brit Thill
IG: @britthill_fineart

And this past year GB lost a very special member to cancer. Our friend Ed was the most positive person especially while facing this disease, and he (and his attitude) is my inspiration with how to deal with this and stay optimistic throughout my treatment. The loss of Ed was devastating to his friends and group members of Grotesque Burlesque. And I know to receive the news that cancer has struck yet another person close to group is unbelievable and another blow. (Members of GB and others are currently working to finish the graphic novel (Fucking Forty) that Ed started before he passed away. There will be a Kickstarter soon and I can't wait to share that information with you all!!)

But in true good humor and Ed-like positivity, I mentioned in my cancer announcement that if those in GB would like to see me naked and to pose one more time before surgery altered my body... well, now was the time! And the true heroes that they are, my friend Darick, and the other organizers, rearranged their model schedule (which is typically set six months in advance) and got me in that week!

Me (as Surge from New X-Men) and Darick
posing in front of his Artist Alley table at
C2E2!

Even though I was still bruised and sore from my breast biopsy that had taken place a week earlier, one week to the day that I learned I have cancer I took off my clothes, hit the stage, and posed for all the artists one more time... well, one more time with my body in its current form. They can't get rid of me that easily! And when everything is all done, I hope to go back and pose with whatever my body looks like post-treatment.

Artwork by Archangelo
IG: @thearchangelo

I love how my body looks and it's going to be a hard adjustment to have surgery and weight gain/weight loss and hair loss and whatever else will change me in an attempt to kill this cancer. None of it matters -- looks, breasts, hair, weight, whatever -- when I'm talking about my life. Staying alive and being healthy is the only thing that matters right now. But I have to say I'm really happy my looks could be immortalized one final time because I will miss the old me.

The art posted here is just a small sampling of some of the amazing work! If I posted it all, this blog would be huge! I've tried listing appropriate Instagram handles, etc. so please go check out these artists and their other work!

Artwork by Ali Cantarella
IG: @cantarella.ink