How To Act Normal When Nothing Is Normal

It's been a weird week. I have so many new thoughts spinning around in my brain. And I don't yet quite know how to verbalize them all, at least not in a way that will make total sense. So this post may be all over the place as I try to give voice to some of these things. I don't mean it to sound like a sad pity party or that I'm looking for sympathy or anything, but I hope it will help others to know what can go (and probably is going) on inside of a cancer patient's brain, including mine. Especially the darker, scarier stuff.

I should first start off by sharing that I have no new health updates or news to share about the actual cancer/treatment/etc. My first official oncology appointment is in about a week, and I am sure to have more news then. So this week has been a challenge because there is nothing new that I've learned, nothing new that I can do, and I'm struggling with how to try and live as normally as possible when absolutely nothing feels normal anymore.

I'm really struggling to find stability in my life. I know everything is going to change again as soon as I have my appointment, but until then I have felt like I can't just sit around and be sad. But to be very honest, all I want to do is sit around and be sad. About 90 percent (if not more) of my brain activity is just me thinking over and over again, "I have cancer. I have cancer. I have cancer. I have cancer," and on and on and on. It doesn't leave a lot of room for other thoughts and my focus is very off. I can't focus on school or practicing for class because in the back of my mind there's a voice saying, "Well, you might be dying anyway, so why even bother with school anymore?" It's also difficult to talk about things happening in the future or that could happen in the future because I don't even know what my life/schedule is going to look like beyond next week, and I could certainly be in treatment for a year or more.  It's not fun.

Even when I have gone out to do things this week, I have been distracted. In the rare times when I've actually been able to forget about the fact that I have cancer, I'll feel a pain from my right breast and the biopsy site, a physical reminder that I am very sick. For example, this past weekend I went to Medieval Times with my boyfriend and two of our friends. It was so much fun! The show was so entertaining and there were times when I wasn't thinking about cancer at all. But then I'd feel a little twinge of pain, and I would be snapped right back to the reality of my new life.

I also think I have what I am beginning to call "cancer guilt." It's this guilty feeling that I get in thinking that if I sit too long to be sad or don't feel like going out and doing stuff, people will judge me for being lazy or overly dramatic. Since I'm not in treatment yet and I don't look sick, I'm afraid people will think less of me for not wanting to be out and about as I normally am because I look the same as always and have no physical excuse for not keeping to my normal schedule. Even I feel like I'm not really ill because I don't look or feel sick yet! But I don't feel mentally or emotionally good about going to class at night or work or out in general, but I'm doing it because that's what I am supposed to be doing and would be doing if I weren't sick. But I also don't feel mentally or emotionally good about not going, so there's this huge battle going on in my mind.

I also haven't been sleeping very well, and I am sure that is not helping my emotional state. Often I wake up in the middle of night and can't fall back asleep for hours because I am just thinking about all the "what ifs" that can happen during my upcoming doctor appointment and beyond-- What if the cancer has spread? What if I'm dying? What if my boyfriend/family/friends get annoyed with me? What if my insurance doesn't pay for this? What if I have to drop out of school? What if I lose both of my breasts? What if I lose my hair? What if it never grows back the same? What if I beat this and the cancer comes back even worse? What if, what if, what if...

As I said... it's just been a weird week.

In spite of all of this, I have been trying to keep busy and somewhat distracted (even if it's not fully working). I did some figure modeling for my favorite group of artists, Grotesque Burlesque! I will write another actual post about that, coming soon. I meant for it to be in this one, but I don't want it tainted with all my negative thoughts expressed here. As I already said, I went to Medieval Times for an early birthday celebration-- that was awesome!! I went back to work for a day and also went to class last week and caught up on my online school work. And last night I went to dance class/rehearsal for a new Modet Dance Collective piece! And Mary came over last night to hang out a bit before she headed to another party. So I am trying to keep my spirits up and see friends. But it is definitely a process. Thanks for being patient as I adjust to this "new normal."

I am very ready to meet with my doctor who will hopefully become a part of my oncology team. I'm ready to start treatments, whatever they are, so that I can start to take some control back and get this out of me. Mostly, I'm just ready to know more about what is going on and how it will affect my life. Even if I get the worst news possible, at least I will know. The "not-knowing" is really the worst part. Hopefully I can survive another week of waiting!